So there's this job...

It wasn't that bad of a sounding job.  Mostly data mining, building and designing reports, Excel/SQL stuff.  Stuff I'm quite good at, even if it isn't the most challenging of roles. 

Sure, the job was a contract job.  A contract job with a Microsoft vendor.  So, I'd be a double dash. Cute.

But, I should have realized that I was not going to like this when I was told that the first interview would include a test.  Considering that the last time I had a test on an interview, I was given tasks so simple that I could have slept through them (and they were on a Mac, on an OS I'd never used, and it was still easier than crap.. 'Set up the POP client with these settings, get the email, do what it says'), I should have had greater foreboding.   But I didn't.  I mean, I understand, you want to check my mad XL skills, yo.  Maybe a peek at my SQL stuff too.  I get it.  Smart.

Well, the 'interview' was... well...

I'm half tempted to call them right now and say 'Shred all documentation that I applied.  I do not want to be considered for placement through your service.'

I'm going to start at the end, work towards the middle, hop to the beginning and then hit the first test and what almost made me walk out the second time.

Apres Tests:  After the tests, before the 'interview' (which consisted of a 5 minute talk), I was given the basics on how to file a time card.  Never mind that I'm not hired yet.  The best part?  Time cards are in paper.  PAPER.  No electronic forms.  No HTTPS websites.  Paper.  I have a hard enough time remembering to fill out a webform every week, now I have to fill out a sheet of paper *and* drive by your office?  Are you going to pay my added gas to get there, or the stamps?  Didn't think so.

The last test (aka The Excel Test).  It wasn't horrible.  It was a CBT based test, where it isn't really Excel, but it looks like it.  But it had flaws.  First, it was based on Excel 2002.  That's a big one right there.  I know people don't love Office 2k7, but, it runs rings around 2002.  Heck, 2003 runs rings around it.  Second, since it was a CBT type environment, it wasn't exactly a free-roaming experience.  You couldn't use Help.  If you tried to move a dialog box, you got dinged with an 'Incorrect.'  Oh, and, unless I'm mistaken, it thought =avg(C2:C5) was wrong, but =AVG(C2:C5) was right.  I could be wrong on what I did wrong, but...  wow.  Time limit:  40 minutes or so.  I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

The next to last test (aka The Typing Test).  It is hard to do a typing test wrong.  But, really, they did.  In two ways.  First, there is no way in hell I'm going to a job where my typing speed is a hiring decision.  Second, standard Dell keyboards suck.  I mean... really suck.  The keys are too close together.  Hell, I bring my own keyboard to Microsoft because I'm not going to give up what I find is my most comfortable typing experience and I'm not about to wait for a group assistant to be able to req me one. No idea on the time limit.  I typed til it told me to stop.

The Dyslexia Tests.  So, first, lets point out an annoyance factor.  Those were the only two out of five tests that were actually on a computer.  Never mind that a typing test could be done on a typewriter and doesn't need to be computer based, at least it was on a computer.  The other three tests?  Pen and paper.

One more time:

Pen.

And.

Paper.

Second test (I'll cover the first test last):  Number matching.

You're given a table of numbers.  It was 4 columns, with 2 columns each (confusing, but it'll make more sense in a minute), with 4 groups per column, with each group having about 8 rows.  Basically, something like this:

3421        3214  __

12454      12454 __

568934    568934 __

And so on.  Now, imagine that above thing, but with 8 rows.  Now reproduce that, with different numbers, 4 times in a column.  Now copy that column (again with different numbers), 3 times to the right.  Now, go down and put a check mark next to each number pair that matches.  So, in the above example, you'd check the last two.  This is a great test.  If I want to work for a book keeper who can't afford a friggin' computer.  I mean, what. the. hell.   I can see where this would make a great test for an auditor.  I'm not an auditor.  I don't want to be an auditor.  Oh, and you have like 2 minutes.

Third test:  Name matching.

If you thought that last test was insane, you're still in for a ride.

So, imagine this.  You have a sheet of paper.  On the front is a numbered list of 30 names:

1. Charles. P Avery
2. Mike D. Barker
3. Henry I. Castillo

On the back of the sheet of paper is four columns of very similar names, like:

__ Avery, P. C.

__ Averie, C. P.

__ Avery, C. P.

__ Awald, R. T.

And so on.  Subtle misspellings, swapped initials.  And the goal is, put numbers next to the right names.  Time limit?  4 minutes.  I don't even know what the hell you're testing here.

Now, before we go to the last test...

First, I had to fill in a job application.  I know this is pretty standard, but, c'mon.  Asking me for the high school I went to?  Requiring job history even if a resume is attached?  Providing a .25"x6" space for *job duties*?

Then, despite the fact that, as far as I am concerned, I am not their employee, they required I fill in a W4 and an I-9 form. Uhh.  Why?  You're not my employer.  The I-9 even says "Section 1, Employee: This part of the form must be completed at the time of hire, which is the actual beginning of employment"!!  I did not sign a single thing that says I agree to work for you!  And a W4 form? I should have left at this point, but, I wanted to see where it went.  Which leads to...

The First Test

It was an SAT test.

Yes, really.  What is the next number in this sequence?  Do these two words a)  Have the same meaning, b) have opposite meanings, c)  have neither same nor opposite meanings?

13 minutes.  I didn't get finished, but, two horrible questions. 

The runner-up to 'The Question that Pissed John Off Most' award?

Rearrange these words to form a sentence and, in the blank space, state whether the sentence is True or False:  moss rolling A gathers stone no

... True or False?  Uhh... Y'know, I know what the saying *means*, but I don't know if it is actually true.  Hell, Patricia points out that if 'rolling' is an adjective, it'd easily gather moss.  Not to mention, if a stone rolls over a pile of moss, isn't it theoretically possible that moss would adhere to the rolling stone?

And the winner... The question that *should* have made me stand up and say 'I'm too old for this shit, give me my forms and I'm out.'

Rearrange these words to form a true sentence and write the last letter of the last word in the blank space:  salt Love is life of the

... WHAT?  I mean, I guess 'true' might mean that it is a real sentence and not one of those 'fake' sentences....

....

I'm still really really tempted to call them and say to shred it all.